THE 2026 PROJECT, 52 SUNDAYS, 52 MONOLOGUES
CHARMIN SOFT
BY JEFFREY LO
For PDF of the Monologue, Click Here
MICHAEL
Hey honey.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
I just wanted to ask you something.
It’s just that I noticed the toilet flush upstairs and I was wondering…
Did you do a number one or a number two?
Ok, I see your face and I see that that’s weird.
It’s a weird question.
I misread the situation.
I thought maybe being married for 6 years would make questions not weird anymore but I can clearly see on your face that that is still a weird question. Let me explain myself.
I was just asking what you did upstairs because I merely wanted to know if you used the toilet paper.
Specifically – did you use the toilet paper on your butt?
You did.
Great.
Did you happen to notice your experience being different at all?
Did you notice the ridges of the toilet paper being perforated in a cute wavy design rather than a generic and soul-less straight line?
Did you notice a certain thickness to the toilet paper?
Some artistic prints that indented into the toiler paper because of said thickness?
Most importantly did you feel how soft to the touch the toiler paper was on your butt?
The luxury.
Yes.
That’s because that was Charmin.
Not Costco.
Not Kirkland.
No, my favorite butt in the world (yours) just came in touch with the pleasures of Charmin Ultra toilet paper.
As you know, we were at Costco a few weeks ago and we were planning on buying the Kirkland brand toiler paper we usually buy. Cheapest. Gets the job done. Serviceable. Blah blah blah.
BUT there was a special rebate on the Charmin brand so we said, why the hell not. Just 50 cents more since it’s on sale.
We can do this, this ONE time.
…
ONE TIME.
…
…
Babe.
We need to talk about this.
My butt.
Like your butt.
Has touched the promised land.
That promised land is called Charmin Ultra.
That promised land is called not Kirkland brand.
And I have to say.
I hate to admit this as I never considered myself a first class kind of guy.
But I have learned that my butt is a first class kind of butt.
And my first class butt needs first class toilet paper and first class toiler paper is Charmin Ultra.
At least in terms of the brands they sell at Costco.
And I am hoping you feel the same way.
I’m hoping your butt is a first class kind of butt as well.
In THIS way because as you know – I have always considered your butt a first class butt.
But anyways
Here’s the thing.
I just turned 40.
That’s a big year.
I just got a promotion at work.
I work SO HARD.
We are working to pay a mortgage and although maybe it’s not the most fiscally responsible decision I have to say that as I’ve worked up the food chain, as I have become an elder statesmen of this world, as I have worked my ass off – my ass has earned the right to be treated with respect.
And that respect is Charmin Ultra toiler paper.
…
So.
What do you think?
What?
You don’t care?
Do what I want?
…
…
…
Cool.
I will.
Charmin Ultra it is.
Great talk.
END.