SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M STOPPING YOU FOR? BY JEFFREY LO
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CIVILIAN sits in their car, pulled over.
They are not happy.
After a moment POLICE OFFICE appears and knocks on the window.
CIVILIAN rolls the window down and looks at POLICE OFFICER.
POLICE OFFICER: Hi there.
POLICE OFFICER: How’re you doing?
CIVILIAN: I don’t know. You tell me.
POLICE OFFICER: Excuse me?
CIVILIAN: I think how I am doing depends on what happens here.
POLICE OFFICER clears their throat.
POLICE OFFICER: Um. Sir, do you know what I’m stopping you for?
CIVILIAN looks at POLICE OFFICER.
CIVILIAN (as smart ass as can be): Cause I’m young and I’m black and my hat’s real low? Do I look like a mind reader, sir? I don’t know. Am I under arrest or should I guess some more?
POICE OFFICER: Well you was doing fifty-five in the fifty-four.
CIVILIAN: Uh huh
POLICE OFFICER: License and registration and step out of the car. Are you carrying a weapon on you? I know a lot of you are.
CIVILIAN realizes what’s happening.
CIVILIAN: I ain’t stepping out of shit, all my papers legit.
POLICE OFFICER smiles
POLICE OFFICER: Well do you mind if I look around the car a little bit?
CIVILIAN: Well my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back and I know my rights so you goin’ need a warrant for that.
POLICE OFFICER: Aren’t you sharp as a tack? You some type of lawyer or something? Somebody important or something?
CIVILIAN: I ain’t passed the bar, but I know a little bit. Enough that you won’t illegally search my shit.
POLICE OFFICER: Well we’ll see how smart you are when the K-9 come.
CIVILIAN AND POLICE OFFICER: I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A BITCH AIN’T ONE!
CIVILIAN and POLICE OFFICER laugh.
CIVILIAN: Haha, nice!
POLICE OFFICER: A fellow Jay fan! Consider this a warning.
CIVILIAN: Really? I thought for sure I’d get it even worse for being a smart ass and quoting the lyric!
POLICE OFFICER: Hah. Well it’s not something I’d recommend,
POLICE OFFICER puts his notepad away and starts to exit.
POLICE OFFICER stops and turns around.
POLICE OFFICER: I mean… also, you aren’t black and your hat isn’t real low so… Have a nice day!
POLICE OFFICER exits.
CIVILIAN slowly rolls up their window.
END OF PLAY.