A LONG LINE AT EVE BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
Lights up on DAN.
He is on top of a counter with one foot on top of a cash register.
He is already at a 100.
EVERYONE! EVERYONE! EVERYONE! EVERYONE! EVERYONE!
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at my eyes.
Do I look amused?
Do I look happy?
Do I look – MERRY!?
Because I am not MERRY.
I am not HAPPY.
I am not AMUSED!
Then back at it.
Let me tell you something.
I WAS merry.
When? You ask?
Let me tell you “When”
I woke up THIS MORNING.
CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING.
And I said to myself – Dan. Today is Christmas Eve. And today is going to be a great and MERRY DAY.
Then I show up here.
TO ALL OF YOU.
DAN points out one customer.
When I walked into the store this morning, what did you say?
What did you say to me?
HEY. YOU’RE IN A UNIFORM. HELP ME GET THIS SHIT OFF THE SHELF YOU.
DAN points at another customer.
You opened the bathroom door on my face.
Then you stepped on my foot as you walked out.
AND YOU DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO ME.
And don’t pretend like you didn’t notice you did that to me because you stopped.
You stopped and checked to make sure you didn’t run over – I don’t know – a child or a puppy or something.
You stopped and you looked back and thought –oh, it’s just Dan. I just ran over Dan in the uniform. Fuck him. I’m going back to my SHOPPING.
DAN points at the rest of the crowd.
AND ALL OF YOU.
All of you have been kicking and screaming and whining about how long you’ve been in line and how you’re in a hurry and how you have things to do. Well you know what?
THIS IS YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE.
As in the day before Christmas.
The day before you give Christmas gifts.
Unless your Filipino and then shit – you are giving your Christmas gifts TONIGHT.
So don’t get mad at me about this line and how slow you think we’re going cause you know what? You know when there wasn’t this much of a line?
You know when there was even less of a line?
The week before.
You know where there is no line?
All you had to do was order more than two days in advance to get on top of that shit but nope.- you fucked that up too.
So here you are. Literally HOURS before you are to give gifts to the poor little children you have and so you know what? If you’re pissed off. Be pissed off at yourself.
I am going to do my job.
And you are all going to shut up.
And after I ring you up and you leave my goddamn store.
Have a Merry Christmas.
DAN pantomimes dropping a microphone.
Boom goes the dynamite.
DAN jumps off the counter and starts ringing up the next customer.
END OF PLAY.