64 OZ. BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
CHESTER holding up his 64 oz. water bottle.
It requires both hands.
You’re probably wondering about this right?
My water bottle.
It’s pretty big.
You’re probably asking yourself –
Why did Chester get such a big goddamn water bottle?
Let me tell you.
It was an accident.
This ain’t a joke.
This is serious.
Ok, well the situation isn’t serious.
Having a big ass water bottle isn’t a big deal.
But the fact that I bought this big ass water bottle on accident, is not a joke.
It’s a reality.
Here’s the thing.
I have another water bottle.
I like it.
I would carry that water bottle with me everywhere.
All 20 ounces of it.
But the thing is this –
I would finish those 20 ounces of water quite quickly.
And I’d have to go and refill it.
I’d be at work.
Getting shit done.
Then I’d take a sip of water to hydrate myself.
Then – boom.
I’m out of water.
So I’d have to get on up and walk ALL THE WAY to the break room to fill up my 20 ounce water bottle with the Brita pitcher in the fridge.
You see that Steph Curry Brita commercial?
So I’d have to deal with this.
Finishing my water.
Breaking up my flow.
Needing to get up to go to the kitchen.
And on my way to the kitchen, I’d have to say hi to random people.
I mean, my co-workers.
And here’s the thing about me having to say hi to my co-workers.
I don’t want to talk to them,.
I don’t like people.
So as you can see. I’m in quite a predicament.
This kinda sucks.
One day I get an e-mail.
Yeah, I know. Dope right?
They want me to participate in a study.
And what do I get for participating in that study?
$100 Amazon gift card.
What do I wanna do with that extra cash?
I dunno, by another water bottle.
So I go on Amazon.
Gift card in hand.
And I check out the water bottle selection.
Same brand, same type as my handy 20 ounce bottle.
But my strategy?
Instead of 20 ounces.
I’m gonna go bigger.
Then I finish the bottle less.
I have to go to the Brita less.
I have to talk to people less.
Win. Win. Win.
I look at the options.
20 ounces. Got that.
38 ounces. Not even double.
64 ounces. BOOM.
Click. Buy. Problem solved.
The thing about buying things online is…
You can’t see them.
Like, in person.
I didn’t realize how big 64 ounces was gonna be.
I didn’t realize how big this damn bottle was gonna be.
Here we are.
Drinking water out of a bottle that weighs heavier than a baby.
I talk to people less though.
So that’s good.
END OF PLAY.