FIVE SHOTS BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
FIVE SHOTS raise a shot glass.
ALL:
A SHOT!!!
FIRST SHOT:
To this year!
I feel it. I can’t explain it but I feel it.
This will be my ye –
OUR YEAR.
MEN.
This will be OUR YEAR… For love.
This. Will. Be. Our. Year. For. Mother. Fuckin’. LOVE. YES! What up!
I just feel it. You know? I mean, it’s about time that it be my time.
LookatmeLookatme.
How old do I look? Dontanswerthat.
It’s about time love found me.
And I’m not talking about no one night stand, Romeo and Juliet, just hit puberty love.
That ain’t shit.
I’m talking about that real love. That real, real love. I’m talking that MARY J. BLIGE REAL LOVE. You know what I’m talking about? MMM! Shoot.
So here! This is it! To this year!
FIRST AND SECOND SHOT:
A SHOT!
SECOND SHOT:
To the douchebags!
As the great Kanye West once said.
Well, a toast is what he said. A toast to the douchebags…
He was a douchebag too.
I guess it makes sense. He would want everyone toasting to him…
Douchebag.
All of them. Allofthem.
You know I haven’t met a decent man? In my entire life not one decent man.
The closest thing to a decent man in my life was my father and if you knew my father you would know how sad that is. Ask my mother.
I should’ve known. I should’ve fucking known. What made me think he was going to be any different from the rest of them? His kind eyes? His charming smile? He did nice things for me. Psh, they all do nice things for you until they’re over you. Then they just ignore you, take advantage of you, or cheat on you. OR ALL THREE AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.
Whatever. I’m fine. I’ve got an awesome job. I’ve got you guys… I’ve got myself.
So…
Great.
I’m great.
SECOND AND THIRD SHOT:
Another shot please.
THIRD SHOT:
Sorry. I’m going to need another one because –
Well…
I’m really scared about what I’m going to be saying here.
You shouldn’t be scared. Well maybe you should.
What I mean is, I’m not going to be doing or saying anything stupid here.
Actually it might be stupid depending on how this all turns out but I mean I’m not going to try and murder you or anything if that’s what you’re thinking. I don’t know why that would even cross your mind but in case it did, I want you to know that I’m not going to… umm… murder you.
Wow. How did I get on that tangent? Look at me rambling. Ok. I guess I should.
Cool.
Yeah.
Great.
This is great.
Fantastic.
Um… Ok. I suppose I should start now.
I have a crush on you.
Wow, that’s how I’m starting that? Like a 12 year old boy.
Wowshitok.
No turning back now. Cat’s out of the bag. I have a crush on you.
…
…
Woo…
…
…
What? What do you mean you knew?
It was…?
Obvious?
So, like, driving two hours to get you a cupcake from your favorite cupcake shop for your birthday wasn’t subtle?
Really?
You should hear about the other ideas I had…
So… you know. And…
Yeah?
Ok.
Cool.
…
Great.
Should we get another? Great
THIRD AND FOURTH SHOT:
Another please!
FOURTH SHOT:
I would like to make a toast.
To the birthday boy.
I have been lucky enough to spend the last four years of my life with you and I can’t wait to live what the next years have in store for us.
…
…
Umm…
I was having a really difficult time figuring out what I should say today. When I thought it, I realized – when love is true you feel it. You really feel it. But still, you can’t quite describe it.
In trying to explain this I read this book. The book said that at the beginning of time, we were all four eyed, eight limbed monsters. And we humans as monsters were trying to reach Zeus and the Gods. Trying to be like them if not better. Naturally, the Gods didn’t like this so they struck us down and split humans in half into the two eyed, four limbed monsters we are today. Now, the book describes love as finding the other two eyes and the other four limbs that match us just right so that we can continue as we were before we were struck down. That is how they describe love. Finding the partner who will elevate you and you will elevate so that you two can continue our journey to being as great as the Gods…
You…
Thank you for loving me in the perfect way.
The way I need.
Not too much. Not too little.
Not judgmental. Not trying to change who I am.
Your love sees me and helps me become the best version of myself possible.
You push me to be as great as the Gods. And I hope I do that for you too.
I love you.
Happy birthday.
FOURTH and FIFTH SHOT:
This one’s for you.
FIFTH SHOT:
I thought she was the –
I can’t even say it. Did you see that?
I can’t even say it anymore. I start to and my mouth freezes mid-word. Just like that. Watch.
I thought she was the –
You see?
I can’t finish the sentence.
…
…
How could she do this to me?
Leave me like this, after all the times we shared together and all the…
This is…
I’m going to hyperventilate.
I can’t breath…
…
Do you know what it feels like to have someone rip your heart out and –
What am I talking about? Of course you don’t know what it feels like. You’re too good looking.
Must be nice.
Well whatever you think it is, however you think it feels. All that pain you think you’d feel if anyone broke your heart….
Take all that and multiply that shit by 20 billion because I guarantee you it is worse. It is worse than anything you can ever imagine.
I can’t believe she could –
She just –
I was –
MARRIAGE.
I was thinking MARRIAGE.
I was looking at rings.
I was looking at venues.
Puppies. Baby strollers. Real estate agents.
ALL OF THAT.
I looked at all of that.
But despite it, she still had it in her to shatter everything.
Shattered…
…
…
I loved her.
I really, really loved her.
LOVED HER.
A LOT.
I still do love her.
Oh my god what am I going to do? Oh my god. I think I need another sho –
ALL OTHER SHOTS:
DUDE!!!
SECOND SHOT:
Shut up already!
SECOND SHOT exits.
FIRST SHOT:
She left you. It hurts. We get it.
FIRST SHOT exits.
FIFTH SHOT:
But –
THIRD SHOT:
No really. We get it. You should stop. Seriously.
THIRD SHOT exits.
FOURTH SHOT:
No more drinking for you. You’re CUT OFF.
FOURTH SHOT exits.
FIFTH SHOT:
But I loved he –
ALL OTHER SHOTS:
SHUT UP!!!
FIFTH SHOT:
…
…
…
FIFTH SHOT exits.
End of Play.