Parking Space / by Jeffrey Lo

Jan 19 2018 - Parking Space.jpg


ALBERT: Excuse me…. EXCUSE ME! I’m sorry I was just wondering if you happened to notice the fact that my left turn blinker was on. You know the blinker that was pointing towards that parking spot that you just drove into. I just wanted to ask because I didn’t want to make the assumption that you were being a complete ASSHOLE by ignoring that small little detail because you know what they say, assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME. Now, if you did happen to notice my bright yellow blinker flashing as if to scream, “I HAVE BEEN ROAMING THIS GODDAMN PARKING LOT FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS AND I HAVE FINALLY FOUND A SPOT” then I would like to remind you that you were being extremely inconsiderate and self centered by parking in the spot despite the joyous cries from the car and the car owner who rightly deserved the spot. Don’t get me wrong here, I am by no means trying to belittle you are whatever gifts you have to get those important to you in life – that’s what the spirit of Christmas is all about. But I don’t think you realize the magnitude of my gift. In case you don’t quite catch my drift here let me put this into perspective for you. Let me take your blind eyes and put some strong bifocal lenses on them so you can see clearly now. I, sir, must purchase a Christmas gift for the love of my life. Now don’t give me that “you’re too young to have met the love of you life” look because trust me I have. Have you ever chased after the same girl since you were in middle school? Well I have so BEAT THAT! Now, my friends and I play an innocent game of secret Santa every year and this year I have managed to rig the names in the hat to ensure that the name in my hand is that of my beautiful friend Janice. Now that step 1 has been successfully completed, all I have to do is pick out the perfect gift to turn my beautiful “friend” Janice into my beautiful “girl” friend Janice. How will I do that you ask? I will do that by getting her a beautiful diamond with 2 karat white gold to frame the sucker. Imagine the look on her face when everyone else gets gifts within the $5 secret Santa limit and she unveils that masterpiece. I know what you’re thinking, it’s too soon, she’s not even my girlfriend but I assure you it’s NOT too soon. I have been in love with this girl for five – count them – FIVE years. I am going to live like there’s no tomorrow and TOMORROW IS NOW. NOW if you would kindly back out of MY parking spot and let me enter the mall to purchase my future, that would be fantastic. THANK YOU AND HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR!

End of Play.