LOSER JOY BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
Lights up on TACHIS and LO mid-hug.
It’s a long, intimate and emotional hug.
TACHIS gives LO a couple of pats on the back.
LO takes a deep breath.
TACHIS: I know… I know…
LO and TACHIS continue to hug.
LO: We did it…
TACHIS: We did…
TACHIS and LO continue to hug.
TACHIS: It feels incredible…
Finally… they release the hug.
LO: We won the Championship.
TACHIS: We did it again.
LO: Steph Curry.
TACHIS: Kevin Durant.
TACHIS: JAVAAAAALE MCGEEEEEEE.
LO: Steve Kerr.
TACHIS: And us.
LO: And us…
TACHIS: We won another championship.
LO and TACHIS perform an elaborate and unnecessarily lengthy celebration handshake.
The handshake includes some hand slaps, fist bumps, jumps and Jay-Z “ugh” sound effects.
TACHIS: And it feels just as good as the first championship.
A weird high pitched sound comes out of LO.
TACHIS: What was that?
LO: What was what?
TACHIS: That sound. You made a –
TACHIS recreates the weird high pitches sound remarkable well.
TACHIS: That. That sound came out of you.
LO: Did it?
TACHIS: What does that mean?
LO: Look up in the dictionary.
TACHIS: Look it up in the dictionary?
LO: Yeah, look it up in the dictionary.
TACHIS: I’m not stupid, man, that’s not in the dictionary.
LO: You’re right.
TACHIS: So what did that mean?
LO: Does it?
LO: Does it feel as good as the first championship?
TACHIS: I don’t follow.
LO: Do we feel as good right now as we did when the dubs won their first championship?
TACHIS does not lose eye contact with LO.
LO: Think about it –
TACHIS: I am thinking about it –
LO: Calm down –
TACHIS: I AM CALM.
LO: Hear me out…
TACHIS takes a deep breath.
LO: We feel incredible right now.
TACHIS: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING.
LO: Right. But.
LO: But... remember when the Warriors would win like… 20 games.
TACHIS: In a row?
LO: In an entire year.
TACHIS: Yeah, I remember those time… Those were dark times.
LO: But how did we feel when they earned one of those 20 wins?
TACHIS: We felt great.
LO: We felt incredible.
TACHIS: What are you getting at?
LO: What I’m getting at is that 20 times a year, you and I would feel euphoric over a Warriors win because they pretty much never happened. Right?
LO: But now… we went an entire season and felt pretty good all season but didn’t reach that euphoric joy we felt when we were losers until –
TACHIS: Until now.
LO: Until now… We weren’t going to feel this until we were champions. But back in the day. Back in the loser days. We got this joy 20, maybe 25 times a year because any win was an unexpected win.
TACHIS: Well shit…
LO: Now remember how unexpected it was when they actually won a championship.
TACHIS: Out of nowhere.
LO: It didn’t make sense.
TACHIS: We didn’t know what to do with ourselves.
LO: We cried.
TACHIS: We cried…
LO feels his cheeks.
LO: Today… my cheeks are dry.
LO feels TACHIS’ cheeks.
LO: And yours are too…
TACHIS collapses into his chair.
TACHIS: Goddamn man…
LO: I know… I hate to admit it but… I kind of miss the joys of being a loser.
LO takes out two bottles of champagne from his backpack.
LO: Time for the champagne shower?
TACHIS: No… I don’t feel like it anymore… Way to ruin the championship.
TACHIS sulks his way off stage.
END OF PLAY.