Lights up on a bear mascot suit a la "The College Dropout" sitting on the floor.
"The College Dropout" album plays from beginning to end.
Pause.
"Late Registration" album plays from beginning to end.
Pause.
"Graduation" album plays from beginning to end.
Pause.
Lights fade.
End of Play.
TYRONE aka LAMBCHOP sets down a meal on his dining table.
Probably Lambchops.
Probably mashed potatoes.
Probably some broccoli. For health.
He runs offstage and plays some music.
A funk song.
A good funk song.
An old funk song.
A good ole’ funk song.
TYRONE aka LAMBCHOP sits down and eats his meal.
He enjoys the meal while he enjoys the music.
He enjoys the music and the food like no one is watching.
He doesn’t know there’s an entire theatre audience watching.
Anyway.
He enjoys thie music and food for a while.
Maybe like… 20 minutes?
Then he finishes his food.
Then he wipes his mouth.
Then TYRONE aka LAMPCHOP makes a realization.
TYRONE AKA LAMPCHOP: Has the same song been playing this whole time?
Blackout.
END OF PLAY.
Darkness.
Five seconds pass.
A title card reads: STRATEGIES FOR HAPPINESS
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI.
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI in front of an ocean.
HARUKI closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and lets the wind blow in his face.
Five seconds pass
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI on a couch reading CRAZY RICH ASIANS.
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI listening to Christmas music in May.
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI eating a steak.
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI eating a bowl of ramen.
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI eating a salad.
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Lights up on HARUKI dribbling a basketball.
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI watching an episode of ATLANTA.
Five seconds pass.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
Lights up on HARUKI.
Four seconds pass.
HARUKI shrugs.
HARUKI: I tried.
Blackout.
Five seconds pass.
END OF PLAY.
Darkness.
The sound of a phone alarm.
A really obnoxious phone alarm.
The sound of a THUMP!
That THUMP! was JESSAMYN snoozing her phone.
Lights up.
JESSAMYN is sitting up in bed.
JESSAMYN looks crazed.
JESSAMYN:
Curse the person who invented the alarm.
That mother fucker
Father fucker
Fucker fucker
That invented that little fuck.
Waking up is a terrible thing.
The worst.
Torture really.
Why must we force ourselves to wake up?
Why can’t the world be made in a way where we can get up when we want to?
The only pure pleasure in life is sleep.
Truly.
The only one.
And don’t tell me sex cause sex is not PURE pleasure.
Sex can come with a whole mess of problems, insecurities and scary stuff so just –
Sleep is the one.
Sleep is love.
That is not metaphor.
That is fact.
Sleep is love.
Sleep is life.
Sleep is –
The snooze alarm goes off.
JESSAMYN screams and throws her head into her pillow.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY.
BRANDON, sits on a park bench eating frozen yogurt.
He takes out a pair of headphones.
He connects it to his phone and puts on music that makes him happy.
After a moment, THOMAS enters.
THOMAS is also eating frozen yogurt/
THOMAS also sits on the bench.
THOMAS sits right next to BRANDON, in fact.
THOMAS looks at BRANDON.
THOMAS looks at BRANDON’s frozen yogurt.
They are eating the same flavor.
And even the same toppings!
How interesting…
THOMAS smiles at BRANDON.
BRANDON smiles back.
THOMAS takes out his phone.
BRANDON sees he has opened the Tinder app.
BRANDON pretends to look away but discreetly watches THOMAS swipe.
THOMAS swipes left.
THOMAS swipes left.
THOMAS discreetly looks at BRANDON to double check what BRANDON looks like.
BRANDON tries to look away.
THOMAS swipes left.
THOMAS swipes left.
THOMAS gets to BRANDON’s profile.
BRANDON’s eyes get big.
THOMAS smiles and quickly swipes right.
BRANDON is thrilled.
THOMAS goes back to his frozen yogurt.
BRANDON quickly opens the Tinder app.
BRANDON starts quickly going through profiles.
BRANDON swipes left.
BRANDON swipes left.
BRANDON swipes left.
BRANDON swipes left.
Beat.
BRANDON discreetly looks at THOMAS’ face to double check.
BRANDON swipes left.
BRANDON swipes left.
BRANDON swipes left.
BRANDON gets frustrated and swipes faster.
BRANDON swipes left.
BRANDON swipes left
BRANDON swipes –
Left.
BRANDON freezes.
BRANDON realizes something.
BRANDON just swiped left on THOMAS.
Oh no.
What can he do?
What should he do?
BRANDON just ruined his chances.
What are his options?
Talk to THOMAS in person!?
Oh god…
Oh god…
Oh god…
Real life interaction before a Tinder match?
BRANDON stands.
Pause.
THOMAS looks at BRANDON standing.
Silence.
BRANDON looks at THOMAS, kisses him and runs away.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY.
A blank stage.
Lights rise with silence.
The silence keeps going.
A little too long.
Have we started the play?
Is there a play?
Then, from offstage, we can hear sounds.
Lots of sounds.
Loud sounds.
It’s hard to know what it is but it sounds like a lot of hard work is happening.
It’s not ready.
But it’s hard work.
Then
CRASH.
Then
HAILEY stumbles on stage.
HAILEY catches herself before she falls.
HAILEY looks at the audience.
HAILEY smiles at the audience.
HAILEY puts away the fake smile and runs back offstage.
More sounds.
More crashes.
Lights fade.
Tentatively.
END OF PLAY.
JAY and MELISSA.
Somewhere.
Somewhere not real, probably.
JAY: Hey.
MELISSA: Hi.
JAY: Remember me?
MELISSA: Kind of, yeah.
JAY: Same. Kind of.
MELISSA: How did you find me.
JAY: Don’t know. I’m not sure I actually found you, to be honest.
MELISSA: Me either.
JAY: Right.
MELISSA looks away and starts scratching her wrist.
MELISSA: So why’d you find me. Or. Try. To find me.
JAY: Oh.
MELISSA: Not that there’s a problem it’s just been… I don’t know. So long.
JAY: I know.
MELISSA: Like, I don’t know, 6th grade?
JAY: Something like that. 7th maybe?
MELISSA: Who knows at this point?
JAY: Right.
Silence.
MELISSA: So?
JAY: Um. Sorry.
MELISSA: Why?
JAY: I don’t know. Um.
MELISSA: Um?
JAY looks a little stressed.
MELISSA: Hey.
JAY: Huh?
MELISSA: I’m just bustin’ your balls. Chill out.
JAY: Right.
Pause.
MELISSA: How old are you now?
JAY: 29. You?
MELISSA: I was the same age as you so –
JAY: 29.
MELISSA: Maybe.
JAY: Maybe?
MELISSA: I don’t know.
JAY: How do you not –
MELISSA: I don’t know cause you don’t know cause –
JAY: Right.
Pause.
MELISSA: So have you thought a bit more about why you’re looking for me?
JAY: I mean – I do know. I do know why.
MELISSA: Well?
JAY: I just… I don’t know the right words.
MELISSA: The right words aren’t really important.
JAY: Right.
Beat.
JAY: Well. Um. The other day I was, um, going through some old stuff.
MELISSA: Old stuff?
JAY: Old documents. Files. On the computer.
MELISSA: Ok.
JAY: Pictures and stuff.
MELISSA: Yeah?
JAY: And I actually found a file with some old, um, instant messenger chats. You know, AOL instant –
MELISSA: I remember.
JAY: Right. You remember we used to chat on that a lot, right?
MELISSA: Yeah. I remember. I was new at school.
JAY: Yeah.
MELISSA: And we got to chatting.
JAY: I don’t even actually remember how we got to chatting. Do you?
MELISSA: No. I don’t… Cause –
JAY: Right. Well. Anyway. Not super important. What’s important is we got to chatting here and there. We became friends, right?
Pause.
JAY: Melissa?
MELISSA: What?
JAY: We became friends, right?
MELISSA: You tell me.
JAY: I think we became friends.
MELISSA: Then I think so too.
Pause.
JAY: Ok.
MELISSA: What are you getting at?
JAY: It’s just… Reading those chats. Between the two of us. In the 6th grade.
MELISSA: Maybe 7th.
JAY: Reading those chats… and, um, seeing those pictures you would send me.
MELISSA: … Yeah.
Pause.
JAY: Looking at those as an adult… I don’t think you were ok.
MELISSA: I don’t think I was either.
JAY: Like… you would send me photos of you hurting yourself.
MELISSA: I know.
JAY: You weren’t doing well.
MELISSA: I wasn’t.
JAY: And you shared those things with me.
MELISSA: I did.
Pause.
MELISSA: Jay. What are you getting at?
JAY: I don’t think I helped you.
MELISSA: You talked to me.
JAY: But I don’t think I helped you.
MELISSA: You were my friend when I needed a friend.
JAY: But I don’t think I helped you in the way I was supposed to have helped you.
MELISSA: And what way is that?
Pause.
JAY: I don’t know.
MELISSA: You were in 6th grade.
JAY: Maybe 7th.
MELISSA: You were my friend.
JAY: And what are friends supposed to do when their friend is hurting?
MELISSA: What is a 6thgrader supposed to do?
JAY: I don’t know.
Pause.
MELISSA: What are you getting at, Jay?
JAY: I want to know if you are ok.
MELISSA: Jay?
JAY: Are you ok?
MELISSA: I don’t know.
JAY: I don’t know either... Shit.
Silence.
JAY: I saw those chats and in some ways it made me think fondly of that time in my life. Then I got to reading more and more and I remembered more clearly. And I know that at some point there, my life went one way and yours went another and I just want to know… I just hope… I just pray to God that you are ok. And I haven’t thought about you in ages. Over a decade you’ve probably been out of my mind and I’m sorry about that. I don’t even think your name is Melissa. But Melissa… I just want to know…. I just want you to know… that I hope you are doing ok. That whatever was happening back then. When you opened up to me. That whatever was happening back then is not happening now. And whatever was in your mind and whatever made you hurt yourself… I hope you’ve overcome it. And I know this won’t help at all but… There it is. I’m sorry it’s been so long.
MELISSA: I know.
JAY: I don’t know why we –
MELISSA has disappeared.
JAY is alone.
And this place is now painfully real.
END OF PLAY.
A messy room.
To be clear, it’s a beautiful room.
A beautifully messy room.
Inside this room are five people
KAUSAR, a female, Indian-American sculptor.
TASI, a male, Samoan-American comedian.
AMEL, a gender non-binary Cuban-American rapper.
DEMONE, a male African-American oboist.
PHILLIPA, a female Lao-American poet.
They work in silence.
They work in this mess.
They create a glorious mess.
You hear KAUSAR molding a small piece of clay as a draft of her next piece.
You hear TASI muttering a new joke and then chuckling to himself.
You hear AMEL muttering their raps.
You hear DEMONE playing pieces of Mahler’s first Symphony.
You hear PHILLIPA putting pencil to paper.
After some time, all of those small sounds increase and become beautiful music.
All five of these artists notice the synchronicity at the same time.
They all look up and look at each other.
They all smile.
DEMONE: This is nice.
AMEL: Yeah.
They all get back to work.
Lights rise.
Then lights fade.
END OF PLAY.
RANJIT’s room.
At center is a couch.
Above it is a digital clock.
The digital clock wants to be large.
Unusually large.
So large that the audience can read it with no problem.
It reads 6 PM.
Then it reads 6:01 PM.
The door opens.
It’s RANJIT.
He yawns.
He puts down his bag.
He stretches.
He takes off his jacket.
He looks at the time.
It reads 6:02 PM.
RANJIT: That’s enough time for a nap before dinner.
RANJIT jumps on the couch.
Lights dim.
The clock starts to move fast.
The clock actually turns out to be a person in a clock costume
The person starts to do a dance as the time moves forward fast.
Insanely fast.
7 PM
8 PM
9 PM
10 PM
11 PM
Midnight
Then suddenly
8 AM
RANJIT fidgets in the couch and yawns.
The clock rushes back to it’s position like the toys in Toy Story when a human enters.
FOUR OFFENDED PEOPLE stand in front of a theatre.
They hold picket signs, protesting a production being done inside.
RANJIT wakes up.
RANJIT looks at the clock.
8:03 AM.
RANJIT: Damnit.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY.
FOUR OFFENDED PEOPLE stand in front of a theatre.
They hold picket signs, protesting a production being done inside.
ONE: HOW DO YOU PEOPLE THINK IT’S OK TO DO A SHOW LIKE THIS?
TWO: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
THREE: WHY WOULD YOU PRODUCE THIS TRASH?
FOUR: THIS IS OFFENSIVE!
ALL: OFFENSIVE!!
ONE: THAT WOMAN IS HAVING SEX!
TWO: WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!
THREE: WHEN SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
FOUR: TO A MAN!
They all gasp.
ONE: MARRIED TO A MAN.
TWO: HOW DARE SHE!
THREE: HOW DARE YOU!
FOUR: HOW DARE THEY!
ONE: BOO!
TWO: BOO!!
THREE: BOO!!!
FOUR: BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
They all keep booing for a while.
ONE: DO YOU PROMOTE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR?
TWO: THIS SEXUALITY.
THREE: TWO WOMEN!?
FOUR: THIS INFEDELITY.
ONE: THE HORROR!
TWO: HOW DARE YOU PROMOTE THIS.
THREE: CLEARLY BY PUTTING THIS ON YOUR STAGE YOU ARE PROMOTING THIS BEHAVIOR.
FOUR: YOU WANT US TO ALL UP AND HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE!?
They all gasp.
Then they all boo.
As all this commotion is happening, OLD SCHOOL THEATRE PRODUCER enters.
He hands all of the OFFENDED PEOPLE fliers for the show he’s working on,.
OLD SCHOOL THEATRE PRODUCER exits.
Suddenly the OFFENDED PEOPLE look at the flier.
ONE: OH!
TWO: AH!
THREE: NICE!
FOUR: WE SHOULD GO TO THIS!
ALL: YESSSSS!
ONE: INSTEAD OF THIS TRASH.
TWO: THIS TRASH PROMOTING SIN.
THREE: SIN AND LUST.
FOUR: WE WILL SUPPORT THIS!
OFFENDED PEOPLE all look down at their post cards.
ALL: SWEENEY TODD!
OFFENDED PEOPLE all raise their post cards to the sky like Sweeney’s razor blades as those really intense chords in THE BALLAD OF SWEENEY TODD plays.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY.